If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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