If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
