Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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