She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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