I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
