He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
