remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
