I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
