I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
