we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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