i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
