It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
