just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
And then he peed in my hair
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