I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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