When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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