Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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