Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
