ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
