Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
