the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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