God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
