Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
