They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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