I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
last night I used snow as a chaser
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