Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
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Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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