and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
