my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
