He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
