Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.