Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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