Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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