I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
