when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
