I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
