You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
