he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
