I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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