This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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