I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
