i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
