She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
