I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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