everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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