when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck