So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
