He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
