I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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