They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
