dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
farters have to be the big spoon...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
