Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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