My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
