he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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