You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
