I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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