... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
