Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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